


Mark Darcy Gets Punk'd

by Toongrrl1990



Series: Something appealing, Something appalling, Something for everyone: A comedy tonight! [1]
Category: Bridget Jones's Diary (2001), Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding, Mad Men, MadTv, The Parkers
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Gen, Multiple Crossovers, Parody, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-09-26 19:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9919190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toongrrl1990/pseuds/Toongrrl1990
Summary: Trust, this sister would be suspicious of being told "I like you just as you are" and only have my faults mentioned and not my attractive points.Also I wanted to see the Bridget Jones world have a lil more POC so I'm inserting a few characters from MadTv and The Parkers and myself.Some of Ka Son's and Pam's dialogue are inspired by this sketch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xARiFIew8Ao





	1. The Set Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [S_Faith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_Faith/gifts), [NIKINOU](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NIKINOU/gifts).



> None of these characters except interns, myself, the vicar, or the lyrics to 50 Cent's "It's Your Birthday" belong to me.
> 
> Also (and not least): This is my chance to correct some things that have been bugging me about the Bridget Jones series and make it somewhat more inclusive. If you have any concerns, feel free to talk about them with me, but I reserve the right to ignore or snark at anything calling me out for not fawning over Mark Darcy (I'm gonna say it, the man ain't Our Lord and Savior) or any whining for me changing things. Fan Fiction is where the fan gets to put forward their own vision of a work and express themselves without having to deal with rejection from publishing companies. If I have to watch families torn apart because of this administration, surely you can deal with my very irreverent vision of a work by Helen Fielding. I will express my First Amendment rights as long as they last. So thank you for reading and feel free to make some funny comments.

**Ashton Kutcher:** Once I met this guy named Mark Darcy, he seems cool, if you leave out the fact he was looking around the place like something smelled bad. Anyways I met his girl Bridget Jones while hanging out in between interviews and she came to us with this proposal. Take it away Big B!

 **Bridget:** *frowning* Big?

 **AK:** It's an expression, like "roll down your car windows".

 **Bridget:** Fine *smiles* Once Mark told me he liked me just the way I am, which this one intern said felt "kinda fishy" to her.

 **Me (the intern):** Mmmmhhhmmmmmm it smelled kinda condescending, fishy, naming off some faults, trust if a man said those to me I would walk away like he smelled bad and torture him with this ass moving out. Shoot he better be saying I'm beautiful and all that.....

 **Bridget:** So I decided to test him because, lets face it, any man who says he doesn't mind his wife letting herself go and getting frumpy is clearly full of shit.

 **Me and some other Interns:** Mmmmmmhhmmmmm!!!!!!!!!! You got that right!

 **Baby Intern:** Isn't that stuff told to girls who aren't pretty or glamorous or exciting or amazing? That's what my sister said, she always gets roses from guys and no one says "I like you just as you are" they are speechless when they see her. She was Homecoming Queen, Head Cheerleader, people asked her to model....

 **AK:** *bit annoyed but hiding it* Aight, we gonna test him by setting up their wedding.

 **Bridget:** Me and Mark decided not to see each other for a fortnight to be romantic, actually are real wedding is in two months. But I had Giles *shows up with a sign reading "Hey ShiQuan. Thank you please come again?"* and Rebecca *shows up wearing a t shirt that says "Want single lesbians for something wild"* break into his Blackberry to change the date and had our family along for the ride.

 **AK:** Which is no wonder why I keep getting nude pictures of pasty, wrinkled boobs. Especially these really unshapely ones with hair on them, lots of gray hair!

 **Bridget:** We are going to have an actress play me, as if I let myself go and weighed 30 stone and lost all manners and hygiene.

 **AK:** This actress will go as "Bridget 2.0"! She was a background actress for years, even did bit parts on Mad Men! But she won't reveal her name or how messed up she looks for this! Please welcome Roxanne!

 **Roxanne:** *very very obese and silhouetted* Yeah I got an image to uphold! You know I look good! Okay so I'm gonna get all the fix to make me look ugly as hell and the fix to make my ample proportions look like something not even a zit popper would touch with a 10 ft pole.

 **AK:** Alright! Get ready Bridget because this will be cray!

 **Bridget:** Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Everyone:** *singing* We gon' party like it's yo birthday  
We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday!


	2. Day of the Fake Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some wedding shenanigans before things start getting really crazy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these characters belong to me and some of them don't all.  
> If you watched MadTv and The Parkers, congrats ya'll!

_(Mark is waiting at the altar with the Vicar, actually a Gerald O'Ryan who failed Catholic Priest school and isn't a legit Holy Man outside of Gretna Green and Las Vegas. Family and friends wait close by with Cosmo clearly eyeing ShiQuan who is in the arms of Giles)_

**Cosmo:** *whispering* I haven't signed any prenup, so if I divorce my frumpy, dumb, fat wife could you marry me?

 **ShiQuan:** What do I look like? Some goldigga? If I wasn't gonna put out to Harold  & Kumar, what makes you think I'd put out to you? I already got me a big, sexy, rich man who can sit on your frizzy ass!

_(Cosmo fumes and gets visibly mad when Woney comes in some expensive tablecloth dress, wedding music comes on and everybody stands)_

_(Bridesmaids and Ushers come in, all beautiful people of Color and Semite, all from modeling and acting agencies. Some wedding guests start flinching, Pam is clutching her purse tighter like she's strangling Geoffrey finally)_

**Shazz:** Will you stop acting like they're all criminals Pam?

 **Pam:** But one of them took my expensive lipstick!

_(turns out to be Ka Son from MadTv)_

**Ka-Son:** That's because this shade of red isn't suitable for a woman of your pasty complexion and wrinkles, I however can pull this shade off!

_(Pam is offended but then decides it's true)_

**Pam:** Do you have anything for me?

_(Ka Son hands some other shades and a gift card)_

**Ka Son:** Don't ask me where and how I got it, it's a long and crazy story.

_(Here Comes the Bride comes on and everyone rises where most of them keep their faces still)_

_(Roxanne as Bridget is a mess. Blonde hair all frizzed up with the roots showing, like she didn't wash or comb for a fortnight. Red maroon lipstick smeared beyond her lip line, smudged black liner, lots of pimples and warts, looks bloated. Wearing a sleeveless, strapless white plastic dress in a size 10, the UK kind, with sagging breasts trying to pop off in an unsexy way, stomach bulging and tore some dress with a front butt effect, the skirt is short with starchy crinoline that is a bit longer than the skirt with pimples on cellulite and hair on the arms and legs, and foot fungus exposed in backless strappy heels)._

**Roxanne as Bridget:** *has a stunningly perfect English voice* I'm right here darling. *smiles and reveals lots of spinach and rot*

_(Mark cringes but tries to hold it in)_

**Fake Vicar:** We are gathered here today to celebrate Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy *represses a laugh* and Bridget Rose Jones *represses another laugh* in Holy Matrimony. Anyone against this union who isn't trying to get in his pants may speak now or forever hold their peace.

So will Mark snap? Tune in for another episode of *reads script* Mad Men.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another vid for you and a preview of who will be showing up for a cameo in the next chapter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa1GboidnNo


	3. Mark Goes Cray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark loses his top and we meet some Mad Women!

_(At the fake wedding, we see two older American ladies chatting and smoking in the back.)_

**Peggy Olson Rizzo:** What are we doing here again Joan?

 **Joan Holloway Harris:** I figure we might as well get some free food since we are on a tight budget.

 **Peggy: *smiles snarkily and blows some smoke*:** That’s bullshit.

 **Joan:** *starts trying to suppress her laughter*

 **Peggy:** *trying to hold in her laughter*

 **Joan:** Actually it is an excuse for the author here to make the fandom revisit Rebecca Pryce, who strangely resembles Mark Darcy’s ex-girlfriend and colleague, Natasha.

 **Peggy:** I know that girl; she is dating one of my nephews. Me and Anita can’t stand her. Now let’s go back to the main story.

 _(_ _Camera moves to the “altar”)_ During the hymns, Mark catches Roxanne as Bridget scratching her butt and smelling the fingers while she burps to the hymns. At the sermon, Roxanne as Bridget is farting and scratching and smelling her armpits which are very hairy and every hair is coming out of pimples and warts. Mark is inwardly cringing and swallowing his vomit at the sight. In case you ain’t squeamish yet, here is what is going on detail for detail at the sermon.

 **Fake Vicar:** In the presence of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, _*Roxanne as Bridget picks her nose and digs out some really gooey boogers and gets them on her skirt and Mark’s sleeve*_ we have come together to witness the marriage of Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy (poor thing) and Bridget Rose Jones (Lord have Mercy), to pray for God's blessing on them, cause Mark most definitely need it, to share their joy (her joy actually) and to celebrate their love. _*Roxanne as Bridget scratches her butt and sniffs the fingers*_ Marriage is a gift of God in creation through which husband and wife may know the grace of God. _*Roxanne as Bridget takes her shoes off and her fungus is even more obvious*_ It is given that as man and woman grow together in love and trust, they shall be united with one another in heart, body and mind, as Christ is united with his bride, the Church. _*Roxanne as Bridget starts to let out a lot of farting*_ The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual union _*Roxanne as Bridget is flaunting her boobs to Mark and letting her tongue out in a flirtatious, if loosely called, manner*_ and joyful commitment to the end of their lives. It is given as the foundation of family life in which children are [born and] nurtured _*Roxanne as Bridget sniffs her pits and scratches them*_ and in which each member of the family, in good times and in bad, may find strength, companionship and comfort, and grow to maturity in love. _*While Roxanne as Bridget farts, she starts twerking in front of Mark and the congregation*_ Marriage is a way of life made holy by God, and blessed by the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ with those celebrating a wedding at Cana in Galilee. _*Another fart and butt scratch*_ Marriage is a sign of unity and loyalty _*armpit scratch*_ which all should uphold and honor. It enriches society and strengthens community. No one should enter into it lightly or selfishly but reverently and responsibly in the sight of almighty God. _*Mark is looking very red and flustered and repressed*_ Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy and Bridget Rose Jones are now to enter this way of life. They will each give their consent to the other and make solemn vows, and in token of this they will [each] give and receive a ring. We pray with them that the Holy Spirit will guide and strengthen them, that they may fulfill God's purposes for the whole of their earthly life together. Please Lord, give this man strength.

_When the lecture ends, Roxanne as Bridget makes a face and yells “Whazzup?” with her tongue hanging out._

 

 **Fake Vicar:** Now that my very long sermon is over after all the singing and praying, I have a few things to say to the bride and her unfort….groom. The vows you are about to take are to be made in the presence of God, who is judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts; therefore if either of you knows a reason why you may not lawfully marry, you must declare it now. 

 **Fake Vicar:** Bridget Rose Jones, will you take Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy to be your husband?  While the getting is good. Will you love him, comfort him, honor and protect him, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

 **Roxanne as Bridget:** You know I do Padre _*licks her lips in front of Mark and opens her mouth wide at his nervous smile, revealing a lot of chewed up food that is days old*_

 **Fake Vicar:** Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy, will you take Bridget Rose Jones to be your wife?  
Will you love him, comfort her, honor and protect her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

 **Mark:** I…uhhhh…..uhhhhh….I….uhhhh…. _*gets red and steamed*_ I can’t take it anymore! I don’t want to get married to this wildebeest!

_(Everyone gasps)_

**Peggy *remembering herself looking more fat than pregnant and getting pissed off*:** Fuck him!

 **Rebecca Pryce:** *whispers* Language Mrs. Rizzo.

 **Peggy:** Sorry, I just hate when guys start running away from you just because you’re not as thin and cute as you were before, of course it was much more cathartic when the guy I was talking about got fatter and lost weight from his hair.

 **Joan:** *looking stunned* What? Who?

 **Peggy:** Long story.

 **Mark:** What happened to my hot, sweet, charming fiancée?!? She ended up looking uglier and fatter than both her parents combined!

_(Pam and Colin look like they want to cry, Ka-Son grasps their hands)_

**Ka-Son:** Don’t worry, we’ll get him later, don’t you cry.

 **Mark:** Bad enough I deal with this circus full of people from her life and my work! Nooooooo I told her “I like you just as you are” but I should have specified “please don’t let yourself go, I will be so miserable to see myself married to some hag”. Look at her? How does she put on this much weight in a fortnight? I had nothing wrong with being with someone who isn’t a supermodel; she was pretty and had cute curves in all the right places.

_(Joan snaps her fingers with a smug look; Peggy gives a look saying “oh please I wasn’t too shabby in the shape department)_

**Mark:** But this? And have you seen how she was acting throughout the ceremony? Ohhhhh great now I will be trying to sniff around for some pretty women just like Geoffrey Alconbury.

_(Geoffrey looks like he is about to object, but then sees Joan and Peggy with Rebecca Pryce and Rebecca Gillies and Shazzer; the women all fix him with deadly stares. He sits down)_

**Mark:** Is someone trying to prove a point here? That even men like me desire someone pretty to look at?

 **Me the Intern:** I think it’s time!

_(Ashton and Bridget jump out)_

**Ashton:** Yo! Mark you just got…..give it away Notorious B!

 **Bridget:** Punk’d!

 **Mark:** *confused* What?

 **Colin:** *pissed off* Punk’d! It’s a reality tv show that usually involves pranking celebrities you nasty beast! Even I know that, and I’m much older than you and don’t watch American television for teenagers!

 **Ka-Son:** *whispers* Chill man, me and Pam got the rest covered.

 **Pam:** *whispers* We will make him pay *starts to snicker*

 **Fake Vicar:** I’m not even a real Vicar! I flunked Catholic Priest School! My real name is Gerald O’ Ryan!

 **Roxanne:** My real name is Roxanne! I’m a actress and I do not look this bad….

_(Gasps from most of the Brits)_

**Una and Geoffrey/Cosmo and Woney/Other Smug Marrieds/Jeremy and Magda:** Irish Catholics here?

 **Peggy:** Watch it….*seething*

 **Ashton:** Yo, Mark, we just thought you needed a dose of fun because…how do I put this delicately? You have a stick up your ass.

 **Bridget:** Yes Mark and you have to admit you like pretty women and you just would not want to see me let myself go…that is just false advertising.

 **Various Interns:** That’s right! Preach it sister! I do declare that there is no one on God’s Green that would be pleased as punch to wake up next to the same ugly person for a long time!

 **Mark:** Alright. I will start over, in front of God and everybody. Bridget Rose Jones, I love you just as you are, the most beautiful, sweetest, hygienic, loveliest, kindest, curvaceous, pink lipped, blue eyed, flaxen haired, shapely, woman in the world to put up with me. I am so pleased whenever you put on something nice for me and keep your appearance up, as I keep my appearance up. Though if you were butt ugly, I know you wouldn’t have a lovely admirer in Rebecca and you wouldn’t put up with Geoffrey trying to grope you.

_(Cue Geoffrey trying to get to Bridget’s ass, and then dragged away by being pinned by Joan’s stilettos by Joan and Peggy)_

**Joan:** I want to burn this man down.

 **Peggy:** Do not go that far Joan; I will douse you with water. Thank God I had practice with my sister, you redheads.

 **Bridget:** Ohhhh Mark! _(They kiss)_

_(Everybody starts to get grub)_

**Rebecca Gillies:** When will I be loved? _(Then comes an older, slightly masculine, woman)_

 **Joyce Ramsay:** Hey Swellegance, ever been with an older woman?

 **Rebecca Gillies:** No, unless you count me kissing Bridget there.

 **Joyce:** I can do better.

_(They walk off, hand in hand)_

**Rebecca Pryce:** *on her cell phone* Natasha, you are lucky to have not married that Darcy fellow, he really is quite disturbed. You’re not the only woman to have had her man be attracted to a woman in a rabbit suit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a source because I’m Catholic ya’ll! https://www.churchofengland.org/prayer-worship/worship/texts/pastoral/marriage/marriage.aspx


	4. So, What the Hell Happened Next?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you think Mark was going to get away with what he said?  
> Also what happened to everyone else?

Mark is in his Law Office when all the sudden….

**Pam:** _*stern and walking in*_ Mark Fitzwilliam Darcy! We are going to need to talk and now I need to you to listen to me and this lovely young woman, Ka-Son!

**Ka-Son:** Did you think I was going to let this stand Mr. Darcy? Did you think I was going to let you insult this beautiful woman who pushed your fiancée out of her hood-a and get away with it? And she ain’t fat; she is as shapely as a sister and her body smells like joy.

**Mark:** Now Miss….

**Ka-Son:** It’s Ms.! You piece of dookie! You better make up for what you said in front of her, damn it’s a miracle her gorgeous-ass daughter agreed to marry you. Damn even she turned my head with that ass.

**Pam:** _*hisses*_ Ka-Son! That’s my daughter!

**Ka-Son:** Oh I’m sorry girl. But Mark, she is a friend of your mother. She is your babies’ future Mother’s Mother, I have a Mother, I’m a Mother, my babies are Mothers, and even my Cousin Cheeky is a mother so you best apologize to her.

**Mark:** Mrs. Jones, I am heartily sorry for every rude thing I said about you at that fake wedding. I will prostrate for you. _*kneels down like a knight of yore*_

**Ka-Son:** _*snarkily*_ Mmmmhhhhmmm, you forget one of my rules. No doing married men unless they are married to me. Actually I believe what we need is cheddar.

**Mark:** What?

**Pam:** She means we will need financial compensation. We would also like to visit a spa in Scotland.

**Ka-Son:** Maybe I will get to see what is under those kilts. But Mark if you don’t give us the funds for this venture, you are wasting time I don’t have. I got the skills, the booty, and the gorgeous hair but I do not have the time!

**Mark:** Fine, I will pay all your expenses for this trip to Scotland. Is that all?

**Ka-Son:** Hhhhmmmm Mhhhhmmmm, I was a DJ in college, I could do this all night long. Pam, what you say?

**Pam:** Yes Mark, and will transportation be provided for us to and back? Also I want you to impregnate Bridget in a year.

**Mark:** What if I don’t Mrs. Jones?

**Ka-Son:** Then you gonna have to pay more trips for us and her other friends and appear on BET’s _Reality Check_ or _Tcha, You Know What?_

**Mark:** Ohhhhhh dear, I’d rather go bankrupt. _*hands credit card to Pam*_

**Ka-Son:** ***faces Pam*** Work it supermodel.

_(Both sashay out)_

**Ka-Son:** I got to say, for someone taken, he sure is tasty. Mmmmhhhhmmm, Pam I will meet you at Debenhams, I got some business to take care of.

**Pam:** Sure I’ll wait for you, my…..

**Ka-Son:** Don’t you say that!

_(Moment later)_

**Jeremy:** I don’t know what you are talking about, what makes you think I am cheating on my wife?

**Ka-Son:** Mmmmhhhhmmm I got Fathers, Brothers, Uncles, Cousins, Nephews, and Dogs and I know how they run around. All I am saying, you better not bring home something itchy or burning.

 

 

**_Epilogue_ **

Roxanne is still acting and looking fabulous. She hopes to be the first 300 pound plus Supermodel of all time and start Fashion Trends.

Shi-Quan and Giles are still going out, his confidence has flown into the sky and he is dressing a lot better thanks to her friend Kim Parker of Kimberlale Fashions. He plans to hook up her friends Kim, Stevie Van Lowe, and Thaddeus “T” Radcliffe up with some colleagues.

Bridget and Mark enjoyed a nice holiday before their wedding where Mark had to really fight off a bunch of guys off Bridget, it got harder when it came to the women….as he had to find some fangirls of his willing to duke it out with some lesbians.

Tom has slept with some of the models and interns, and with those male relatives Ka-Son mentioned. Right now he is seeing her nephew.

Ashton Kutcher is married to Mila Kunis, heyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

Pam got herself a snap ass makeover and promptly stabbed Geoffrey’s shoe with her stiletto and then Una’s when she commented on Bridget’s weight.  


Ka-Son and Pam are planning a big trip to Argentina….and plan to drag (not really) Mark and Bridget there. Look up The Dirty War people.

Colin is proud of the fact his wife is a flipping tiger in bed but still wonders if he is the father of Bridget.

Rebecca has married Joyce Ramsay and they split their time between London, New York, Los Angeles, and Australia. Turns out Rebecca’s Mother is Lotus, that hippie chick who was sleeping with Jane Siegel Sterling’s cousin Danny in Season 6.

Peggy and Joan enjoyed their trip to England and wowed the crowd at the Austen Convention where Peggy showed off her empire waist gowns from Season 6 and how she can still wear them. Joan showed off her ample cleavage in a custom made Regency gown. Many women there hate her.

Especially Jude.

Thankfully for Anita and Peggy, the youngest Respola boy has dumped Natasha, who hates New York City just like her Aunt Rebecca did.

Surprisingly Shazzer has gotten on well with Anita.

Magda got herself a makeover and made Jeremy really jealous.

Mark Darcy has big ass feet and I have a 40D chest (of this moment) that is all.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever watched "Shallow Vows" from American Dad!? Ever watched the episode of George Lopez called "George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self-Image By Saying You 'Sta Loca Good"? Those were part inspirations.
> 
> Also this year will be the 10th Anniversary of "Mad Men".
> 
> Here is the first intro to the Chilean "Los 80", a show of great interest to Mark (Human Rights in Chile, hello?) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EuCUNzzc6b4

**Author's Note:**

> To Be Continued.....but first listen to this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TRM75eU7Uk


End file.
